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)Jez: Eh, I've done quite a lot actually, I mean not formal filing, but you know, alphabetabecising the videos, doing the spices, I suppose what I'd want to do is build on that experience in a professional...
(God, that sounded amazing, don't accidentally get the bugger! Yeah, so my new idea is urine.) [urinates into drawer] (Loads and loads of urine, flooding your drawers. ) [phone rings, Mark answers] JLB Credit, fuck off please! I'm just surprised you can see me from all the way up there in your ivory tower.
Oh Jesus, it's too much, I'm going to blow my beans! )Mark: Look at us Jez, we're letting our lives slip through our fingers. And I'm never going to meet a woman in a pub, or a nightclub, or an art gallery, or a bookshop, or any other formal or informal social gathering. [holds up a post-it note] "Look, I know what you think happened and yes you're right I have eaten all your ice cream." This is it.
I went to get the Cherry Garcia out to defrost and look what I found inside!
This is what men want and we shouldn't be allowed to have it because it's horrible and it make you feel sick! How grimly predictable.)Jez: (This is almost definitely a terrible idea, but I won't know for certain until I've actually done it...[Jez and Sophie kiss]... That's probably the stupidest thing I've ever done in my entire life... Maybe actually screwing each other will kind of make it weirdly better.)Mark: (Why are they being so nice?
Maybe I wouldn't have said it if I thought there was any chance of him actually doing it... yep, there he goes.)Mark: (I've really done it this time.
just boosting you over the climbing wall, making you run around the camp in your pants...
I mean, no one minds if the invisible man comes to dinner. Mark: [entering the office] (Walking into the jaws of death.
[Holds up a tissue box] People are going to think we spend the whole time wanking. This is the sort of thing people do when they're having a good time.)Jez: What I mean is that they should be more honest. But that's so fraught with potential problems.)Mark: (Yeah, you won't be so cocky Jeff, when I come into the office with a Kalashnikov and 200 rounds of ammunition. But can't we take the best of that--the nice music, the colors, the I Have A Dream, et cetera--but not have to face the ... Jez: He's not a mature student, he's been a loan manager for the last five years. Light, not slimey, ohhh can't retract the wink...unless...[winks a few times]) See you (Brilliant - the twitching freak, works every time)Mark: It was good to see you in Gino's. Next time I have acupuncture, I'll get someone else to do it for me. God she's probably getting wet just looking at me.) Hold your horses honey, I've got coupons for the Pringles. A proper girlfriend reading a best-seller about child-abuse. I'm just a normal functioning member of the human race and there's no way anyone can prove otherwise.)Super Hans: Listen love, just a little tip alright?
(Nine months and thirteen days.) I mean look at us! What I really need is a good, long look at another man's bollocks. I'm definitely king of the hippie jungle.)Mark: Look, Jez, what I'm trying to say is, for better or worse, the sixties happened and now sex is fine. My mate and your woman have just gone off to fuck each other. Go and make a tent in the living room and eat Dairylea? Listen I'm just going to go over to my stupid friend and grrr, give her a good shake, but if you ever want to call me about anything then I'm in the book, Mark Corrigan (Too formal, lighten things up [winks at her]. ) Yeah so sorry if I was acting a bit weird, I guess I just wanted to see if you might want to hang out sometime? Yeah, that's right honey, I'm a street fighting man.
Maybe I could put on Big Bond Themes and pretend I'm entering data for MI6.)Mark: (Come on, Mark, turn it on! ) Oh, er, naughty, you've combined metric and imperial, you might get an interdenominational...er, you know, from mixing the two measurement systems, a hangover of that kind (Just stay mute, Mark. Remain in your compound.)Mark: (Need time to think.
I guess the only good thing is that my life is so boring it feels like it might go on forever.
(Urgh, bit creepy, the spermy atmosphere is cramping my style.